April 2007

When Michael was born I was overjoyed with how beautiful and tiny he appeared. It was love at first sight. He came out screaming and that is how he spent most of his early days and months. I breastfed him and held him constantly but he cried anyway and when he got older and other children began to calm down, he continued to become more unhappy and violent. I tried every discipline technique known to humanity and nothing changed his behavior or his mood. I took him to his pediatrician when he was 3, stating that he was too old for colic and I needed some answers.

He sent us to an ENT who removed his tonsils, adenoids, and placed ear tubes to stop infection since both physicians were sure that was the problem. The first time I knew there was something more seriously wrong with him was when he came out of surgery, completely awake and ready to go home without pain relief. I had seen how high his pain tolerance was before when he had been injured or ill but this was on another level completely. He never even wanted Tylenol. When I took him in for his follow up appointment the ENT was shocked at his level of activity and even more alarmed he was still only sleeping about an hour or two a night. He recommended a psychiatric evaluation.

I made him an appointment with a psychiatrist but I was pretty sure he wouldn't think anything was seriously wrong. When the day of the appointment came I was still really unsure how I felt about it but I decided to treat the appointment as a consultation and I could always opt out if I wasn't comfortable with the treatment program he suggested.

The doctor was very kind and soft spoken. I liked him immediately and so did Maddox. He spent over an hour with us during that appointment and Maddox was extremely well behaved. I was shocked and a little dismayed because I wanted to make sure he was okay and this doc was just going to see a child appearing completely normal without his more troublesome behaviors.

The psychiatrist was very quiet through most of the appointment. After almost an hour he asked me "Is this how he usually acts?" I said "No, he's usually much more active."

Then, he sat very quietly for about 30 seconds. It was an eternity.

"I don't usually diagnose children as young as your son but he has Bipolar Disorder at the very least. I want to prescribe medication because he needs to be sleeping for proper brain development. We will have to see how he progresses as he gets older but he has some serious issues." He was 3 years and 4 months old.

I was stunned. To say the breath had been ripped out of me would be an understatement. I called my grandmother and asked her opinion because she was a nurse. She said she thought it would be a good idea and I could always take him off if it wasn't working. She said she thought there was something wrong with him and he wasn't just a typical boy. It's the first time she acknowledged there was something seriously wrong with him.

Since April 2007, Michael has been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder and recently, Child Onset Schizophrenia. My grandmother, who was everything to us, had passed away the year before and she also found this lack of attention, due to grief, unbearable. This was the first of many losses we would endure in the next year. 2009 into 2010 was challenging for our family on many levels.

This blog will be about our personal struggles with our family as we find our way through his mental illness and how I cope being his mother. It's not always upbeat and positive but it is real.